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Its the little things… that are sometimes blocked by the clouds

December 17, 2018

A view of one of my bookshelves and a ‘very’ important hammer

….the smoke was now thick enough to make both seeing and breathing formidable as the fire was now less than 2500 feet from my cabin. A crew of battle weary smoke jumpers had erected a number of sprinkler systems to keep my cabin wet while they worked tirelessly to cut a fire break hopefully wide enough to stop the fire from devouring my cabin.

Stop reading for a minute and take a close look around the room you are in. Study closely the bookshelves, table tops, window sills and the walls and go over what you see piece by piece. Whether you are 20, 40 or 60 you have over your lifetime collected items that are important to almost no one but yourself, individual mementos of certain people, places or events that you consider relevant and evoke warm memories however unless you are a person of some notoriety when you die no one will be the least interested in saving most of your ‘junk’.

Over the decades, first by necessity (moving from a home in the city to a cabin in the woods) and as time moved on by choice I have gradually been paring down my ‘junk’ until now I believe it would fit in maybe three or four average sized boxes. I believe I was motivated to this ‘pairing down’ because of a fire that happened a couple years after I moved into the bush………..

****  ***** *** *****  ****

Isn’t it sad that this posting about what we personally consider important has been stopped dead for weeks and its now languishing on my desktop. Then again it is not alone in its static state, there are more than 27 postings in one state or another waiting to be finished but I just do not feel the spark to finish them.

The reason I believe for their ‘cryonic’ like slumber is depression. I have searched WordPress for postings on depression and it seems that very few are willing to write about their experience. Over the years if you have been following my writings you know that the three dominant things that enhanced my living alone in the wilderness, armature radio, fishing and writing for this blog, are now gone with my lack of postings to attesting to the latter.

I have found myself staying up till 2am or later and not rising until 11:30 added to that I binge TV shows from 5 pm till I go to bed just to keep my mind from thinking of anything important and during the day when I normally would be writing I am playing computer games, I believe I am definitely in some kind of depressive stage.

Now back home in Alaska when I felt a whiff of something like this coming on I always had one or two close men who I could reach out to and where I could go and just let it all out without fear of those I spoke with getting worried or judging. These friends were sounding boards just like a psychologist they would let me talk and only rarely responded. Here I have only spoken out maybe once or twice and even then because I am speaking to my family who love me it is one of the rare times I censor what I say.

So here I sit
pondering not what to accomplish
but what souvenirs I have accumulated
over the 70 years of my life.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. coastalripples permalink
    December 17, 2018 1:48 pm

    Pete, I read and enjoy your postings even though I don’t comment and I would imagine there are many other lurkers out there. So keep them coming! Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. john w8wej permalink
    December 17, 2018 3:17 pm

    few words, A LOT !! 73 john w8wej

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Mike Hohmann permalink
    December 17, 2018 6:45 pm

    Hang in there, Pete. You have readers who would like to hear from you via your blog. You have enjoyed doing the blog in the past and it sounds like you’d like to get back to that bit of routine in your life.

    Add a bit of discipline to your day… hit the sack by midnight (unless there’s really something GOOD on TV -ha) and set your alarm to allow for 8-9 hrs of sleep… enjoy your days, and try to sit down to write for a couple of hours -more if the juices are flowing. Get up and take a little walk, thinking about what you wrote and get some exercise. Be sure to eat 2-3 times each day to maintain energy. Talk with family members about other things to keep you and your mind busy in your local community… maybe visiting a library, a senior center, coffee shop, parks, etc. You can read the local/national newspapers free at the library, some old classics, check out books, whatever is of interest… all free at the library. You might meet some new friends at a senior center (or the library), or find some activities of interest -you never know what you’ll find! ;-) Take a break at a coffee shop, maybe even meet a neighbor or two. Parks are always great regardless of the weather. Just a few suggestions for ya, Pete.

    If your goal is to complete those partial posts of yours… just make yourself sit down for a couple of hrs every day or every few days and complete one. Take a break and start the process again in a week or two. In a few months, you’ll be back in the saddle again.

    I’ve thought about quitting my blog a lot in recent weeks. Then I thought about several readers who really enjoy reading it. And I realized how much I really enjoy not only writing the blog, but making the adventures happen that I write about. I too am getting old, and can’t do the things I did years ago… so life is an evoution. You adapt and keep moving forward (maybe at a slower speed, maybe learning/enjoying some new interests/aspects in life. It takes effort to make it work… to make it happen. Hopefully I’ll continue my blog for many more years… only time will tell. Btw Pete, I’l be 72 in a few weeks. Good luck to you… and good luck to me! ;-) Mike KE0GZT EN34 …Clear!

    Liked by 3 people

    • December 18, 2018 12:31 pm

      Thanks for the encouragement Mike, in fact the posting you commented on was the direct result of another readers email. Your suggestion to just sit down and work on the unfinished postings has been tried and most of the time I end up telling myself ‘why bother’ because when dealing with the political scene it is like beating a dead horse.

      Aside from that your words like the email from Ken in Florida
      have given this old man a lift

      I have come to realize… maybe too late that
      72 is just a state of mind
      as long as you continue to do what you love!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Mike Hohmann permalink
    December 18, 2018 3:31 pm

    If ‘the political scene it is like beating a dead horse.’ Then avoid the poitical scene… problem solved? Yes, the age of 72 is just a state of mind, but my aches and pains are not. I still get out on the trails hiking/camping, snowshoeing… but not like a few years back -but that’s ok… I’l hit the gym for regular exercise, walk around the nearby lakes, etc. Life is what you make of it… by and large… ha! Take it easy Pete, keep it fun!

    Liked by 1 person

    • December 19, 2018 10:42 am

      I wanted to correspond rather than reply but when I looked around for an email address for you on your blog but none to be found.

      So….I know the feeling of ageing and no longer being able to accomplish what we once did. In fact it was over 5 years ago the last time I helped butcher out our winter moose, then I found I could no longer hike up the ‘hills’ to one of my fishing spots and the last straw was in 2015 when it took two weeks to shovel out my driveway so I could get to town for supplies.

      We all have to find ways to adjust to our new limitations

      Liked by 1 person

  5. December 19, 2018 5:36 am

    Whilst I can’t come over there and drag you outside (I could use someone to do that to me every once in awhile). I’m sure You have many many people that are here for more than just the words of curmudgeonly wisdom, but are also here as friends that will listen and ‘speak’ when needed. (I pray I am counted as one). As far as ‘depression’ goes, we all walk that line at some point or another and it is how we proceed through the covered paths to find our way back that can make a huge difference along our journey. Here is wishing you a Merry Christmas and Blessed New Year and maybe we can catch you on HamShack Hotline if not HF sometime… God Bless

    Liked by 1 person

    • December 19, 2018 10:47 am

      You are so dead on Eric about having someone drag you out of the house/apartment. Though my fault because a number of Hams I met when I first arrived here extended the hand of friendship but I never responded, had I maybe I would have that someone to talk with and pull me out of my dark mood when needed.

      A merry Christmas to you also
      I only wish I could meet on the air.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Terry permalink
    December 21, 2018 4:31 pm

    Yes, things change. The good thing is, they do! For the moment, it doesn’t seem like they are so satisfying for you but, luckily, change can’t be stopped. Pick up a new rock on your next walk, google it when you get home, put it on the shelf where you can see it, and maybe sketch it or photograph it. Learn something new. Count your pluses where you find them. And here’s to the solstice- time marches on as do the changes 🙂 All the best, Pete.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jon permalink
    December 22, 2018 8:29 pm

    As others have said, finish those postings one by one. That’ll give you a sense of accomplishment & you’ll feel better just doing that.
    Perhaps some of the reason for your state of being is not liking where you’re living & that you’d rather be back in Alaska. But your physical state just about prevents you from going back to your former way of life. It may be this resignation to a hard fact that is contributing to your state of being.
    Be assured all of us are here for you. Merry Christmas!!!!


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