I am my father…an awaking of self awareness
The morning light was intense on that spring day, as I made my way down from the loft to partake of my morning caffeine fix and awaken my foggy brain. The water boiling away I couldn’t find my coffee cup and for a s carry few seconds had a brain fart and didn’t know where I left it the night before. Definitely not earth shaking news because I have found as one gets older one tends to forget more things…like where I left the dang cup!! However by the second cup my body was at ease and my brain was rapidly cutting through the mental fog. I had what some may call an epiphany of sorts when I realized that I had replayed this very same scene decades before only it was my father who was missing his coffee cup.
Hindsight, if we allow it, affords us the opportunity to review our life within harsh light of an adult mind. I say harsh light because now as adults if we are mature enough we have become aware of the realities that we chose to ignore while we were growing up. A couple months before the passing of my parents I moved in to their home to care for them. It was shortly after my mother had died when making breakfast for my dad that when he came into the kitchen he became upset because his coffee cup and spoon were missing. I had put out a cup and silverware but apparently he wanted ‘his’ and theses would not do.
I hadn’t thought of this for many years until that morning in my cabin when I couldn’t find ‘my’ cup. It seems that now at 67 I am indeed my father. I remembered another time I brought a computer for him to use and he just looked at me an said what’s this for? At the time he had an extensive stamp collection and records of every stamp were kept on 3×5 index cards, so I said dad you can have all that information at your fingertips….again he looked up and with two fingers lifted one of the cards and said, but son I already do!
Change I have found does not work well for me as I get older. I have found that change is like a new pair of shoes that never feel as comfortable as your old ones. I instead revel in having a routine….the knowing of what is happening next is as comfortable as a warm blanket in the Alaskan winter. That said here I am years later and now I understand why my father got so frustrated with the computer or my mistake of different silverware and cups. I have learned that he like I am now was just more comfortable with what he was used to.
I have a wallet held together with duck tape
it just feels just right whenever I use it.
I have become my father
and I realize that is not a bad thing.